▪️𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐒𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐡▪️
My sobs were louder than the boiling water putting on a rather noisy show put on by the old, electric kettle in this tiny kitchen.
It was inevitable.
I had been holding it all in for days.
It was a moment of 'nothing will get better ever' - so I had nothing to lose, when I sat down outside, overlooking the ocean, opening a blank page in my new notebook.
This must be the most powerful letter, I've ever written her.
I wasn't planing on doing that. The words simply took me there.
2̲1̲s̲t̲ ̲o̲f̲ ̲S̲e̲p̲t̲e̲m̲b̲e̲r̲ ̲'̲1̲9̲
Not much will break us like having our expectations broken.
So I sit here with coffee tasting strange and stale.
Even the sky is mourning with me.
Mourning these long lost expectations.
Dropping their castles.
Build something far less star reaching.
Go back to the mud.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
They care not.
It is what it is.
They care not if I'm lagging behind.
I see the red woman down by the sea.
So full of light and power.
Now she feels no more.
I wasn't supposed to feel this small.
I loathe you for it.
And I loathe myself.
I was becoming.
Becoming something of a force.
A firestorm only I could tame.
Now I'm just the sad, broken girl, who had her stupid expectations shattered.
I dislike her. ... Perhaps that's my mistake.
Perhaps I should love her as fiercely as I do the phoenix woman, I've become.
Don't worry, I see you now.
You are okay, love.
I know, you've uttered a thousand "sorry's"
Now it's my turn.
I'm sorry, love.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
Sorry I blame you, whenever I feel weak.
Truth is, without you, I wouldn't have learned.
I would not have become half the woman I am today.
Without your tears and bravery
Your price paid on heart wrecking, soul breaking... Ache.
I would have been ordinary.
But you, sweet love, are extraordinary.
And you were my lodestar through the storms with no knowledge or trust lights would await.
Yet you moved.
Sometimes you stumbled, fell, felt this would be the time, you'd finally drown in salty tearfloods.